I absolutely love Thanksgiving.
Food, family, friends, football, fun (did I get all of the “F’s”?), make this the one holiday that I look forward to the most every year.
In addition to all of the F’s, what I also love about this time of year is that we get to mindfully reflect on what is really important in our lives, and simply be in gratitude, at least for a day (which I know isn’t easy with all of the divisiveness that’s going on in the world as you’re reading this.)
I urge you to consistently remember what it is that you’re thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day of your lives.
But that’s not why I’m writing this article.
Let’s be real–chances are that if you’re choosing to follow me on LinkedIn, you are already aware of the importance of being thankful for your health, your job, your spouse, your kids, your home, your friends, your family and your loved ones.
So, let’s raise the stakes a little.
This Thursday, before we slip into our yearly blissful tryptophanic food coma, my goal is to add a new and very important thing to the many things that you are the most thankful for.
Truthfully, it could save your life.
What I want you to be thankful for is pain.
I’m not talking about physical pain that is easily forgotten over time, like the pain of a broken bone or a torn knee ligament. I’m specifically talking about emotional pain.
Not just any kind of emotional pain, though.
I’m talking about the most transformative–and by far, the most painful–form of emotional pain that exists in this world.
It’s the pain of never again.
A New Kind of Pain
What is this pain exactly?
The best way to explain it is to share a brief story. Let’s meet Steve.
In my first book, Making Work Work. I shared a personal story about my first job after graduating from college.
Keeping a long story very short, my boss at this particular job didn’t like my given name Shola because he felt that it would be “too complicated” for his customers to pronounce (yes, seriously).
So, on Day One of my first-ever job after college, this guy made an executive decision to call me “Steve” instead.
Yes, you read that correctly. You can’t make stuff like this up.
When I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with my “new name,” he told me that I had two choices:
- I would either be known as “Steve” (complete with a name tag that said “Steve” on it, which I was expected to wear) –OR–
- I could find another job.
He was dead serious too.
Obviously, I laughed in that guy’s face, tossed my ridiculous name tag in the trash, and forever walked out of that job with my head held high, right?
Well…not exactly.
Like a coward, I put that name tag on my chest and wore it in quiet shame for the entire time that I worked there.
If the story ended at this point, you’d have my complete blessing to disconnect from me on LinkedIn forever because I wouldn’t be worthy of your time or respect.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t.
Thankfully, this is where the story begins.
Killing Steve: The Necessary Awakening
Three days into my new job, I struck up a conversation with a customer, and as she was leaving, she glanced down at my name tag and said, “Thanks for your help Steve, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
Without even thinking, I said, “Actually, my name is Shola.”
With a look of slight confusion and sincere curiosity, she said, “That’s such a beautiful name! Why does your name tag say ‘Steve’ on it?”
I stood there in stunned silence. It was such a simple question, but it was also one that I was completely unprepared to answer.
👉🏾 Did my name tag say “Steve” on it because the fear of turning off my customers with my real name was scarier to me than losing my dignity?
👉🏾 Did my name tag say “Steve” because I left my intestinal fortitude at home and couldn’t find the requisite courage needed to stand up to my boss who was so clearly in the wrong?
👉🏾 Did my name tag say “Steve” on it because my self-respect wasn’t nearly as valuable to me as the $14.50/hour the company was paying me?
The questions that swirled in my mind only added to my confusion. I remained silent as the woman waited patiently for an answer to a question that should have been incredibly easy to answer.
Finally, with tears welling up in my eyes, I gave her the only answer that made any sense:
“I don’t know.”
At that moment I felt it for the first time in my life.
Seconds later, I gave the customer a hug and thanked her (she had no idea why I did either of those things), I ripped the name tag off of my chest as I stomped through the store, burst into my boss’s office while he was on the phone on a personal call, threw the name tag at him, and yelled “I QUIT!” as loud as I could so that everyone within 100 yards could hear it.
Professional?
Hardly.
Necessary?
You’re damn right it was.
My boss’s response?
“Steve, you’re just another quitter who proved that you won’t amount to anything in life. You don’t have what it takes to thrive in a workplace like this.”
Well, he was half right.
I felt the unbearable pain of giving away my self-respect and dignity to someone outside of myself. It hurt like hell then, and over twenty years later, it still does.
If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, I know that you know what I’m talking about.
To my former boss, I’m fully awake now.
You had Steve’s dignity for three days, but you’ll never have Shola’s.
Never again.
The Pain of Never Again
Have you ever had something happen to you that was so horrific, so unbearable, and so intensely destructive to your spirit that you were convinced from that moment forward that you would never experience that pain ever again?
If so, then you intimately know the Pain of Never Again.
Be thankful, because this pain can be the fuel that propels you toward a life better than you have ever imagined.
Jim Rohn, one of America’s self-development pioneers, once shared a story about this pain that has become somewhat of a legend.
One day a Girl Scout knocked on his door to sell him a box of world-famous and deliciously irresistible Girl Scout cookies. After her brief presentation about the yummy goodness of the cookies, the little girl stated her price.
Two dollars.
Unfortunately for Jim Rohn, he didn’t have $2.
So, what did he do?
He lied to this little girl by saying that he already bought a bunch of Girl Scout cookies this year and that he didn’t need any more.
For some people that wouldn’t be too big of a deal, but it was crushing to him.
As he reflected on what he did, he realized that he chose to look an innocent Girl Scout directly in the eyes and lie to her face because he didn’t have $2 dollars to spare.
The pain of that pitiful act was absolutely unbearable for him.
Never again.
That moment was the spark where he vowed that from that point forward, even though he was broke, he would figure out a way to always have no less than a few hundred dollars in his pocket at all times. Equally as awesome, he also used the pain of that moment to launch his speaking career and forever cement himself as one of the greatest motivational speakers in this country’s history.
Before the Girl Scout incident, he never would have thought that either was possible.
But it was possible.
He had the Pain of Never Again to thank for it.
So, Where Will You Draw the Line?
I want you to be completely honest with yourself right now. No one will know if you’re telling the truth but you.
Do you know where you will draw your line?
Are you intimately aware of the line that exists in your mind that can never be crossed by anyone, ever?
If not, let me be the first to tell you that you need to know what it is.
Let’s do a brief experiment.
Take a look at the four real-life scenarios below that happened to four of my friends and tell me if any of them would evoke enough unbearable emotional pain for you to say “Never Again.”
(Spoiler alert: it was for them).
❌ Never Again Scenario #1: Your narcissistic bully boss has made a habit of demeaning you constantly, cursing at you, screaming at you and treating you in a sub-human fashion on a daily basis for close to a year. Yesterday, in her worst act to date, she viciously humiliated you in front of your entire team by literally ripping up a report that you spent the past two months working on while snidely remarking that her “dog could have written a better report than you.” There’s no doubt that you really need your job and that you’re currently living paycheck-to-paycheck with barely any money in savings, but the thought of spending another millisecond with this evil woman is causing you to slowly go insane.
❌ Never Again Scenario #2: Your boyfriend has always been known for losing his temper, but last night he took his anger to a disturbingly-frightening level when he forcefully shoved you against the bedroom wall in a rage and severely sprained your wrist. It took him until the next day to even acknowledge what happened, but later on that evening, he apologized profusely, and he even sent flowers to your office a few days later in hopes of making amends.
❌ Never Again Scenario #3: It is four days before Christmas and your five-year old daughter is losing her mind with excitement. She is certain that this is going to be the year where Santa Claus is going to give her the bicycle that she has always wanted. She happily tells you all about how she’ll finally be able to go bike riding with her friends and how she’ll no longer be the only girl in her neighborhood without a bicycle. Her heart is bursting with pure joy, but privately, your heart is breaking. There is nothing on this earth that you want to do more than give her that bike–but unfortunately for you, there is no Santa Claus willing to deliver the bicycle to your home, and you are nowhere close to having the $100 that is required to buy it. On Christmas morning, the moment that you have been dreading for weeks is now your reality. Your daughter joyfully bounces into the living room ready for the happiest day of her young life only to see no sign of her beloved bicycle. The joy slowly drains from her face as she sobs uncontrollably in your arms and wonders aloud why Santa doesn’t love her as much as he loves her friends.
❌ Never Again Scenario #4: You’ve always had a slight weight problem, and you know that in the back of your mind that you need to do something about it, but it hasn’t been a huge priority for you–until recently. In the past month, you’ve noticed some troubling changes. Jeans that you were able to fit into comfortably last year are now completely unwearable, you are starting to get winded just by climbing up one flight of stairs on the way to your office, you’re beginning to notice significant joint pain from carrying around the extra weight, and your spouse recently told you, “I don’t know how to say this, but I’m no longer attracted to you.” Worst of all, your doctor told you at your most recent physical exam that if you don’t make some serious lifestyle changes, you likely will not be alive to celebrate your birthday five years from now.
Let’s put my friends aside for a moment, and bring this back to you:
Did any of those stories remind you of a current situation in your life where you need to say the words, “Never Again”?
Like I said earlier, only you can answer that.
One thing that I do know is that the universe will give you tests. And if you don’t pass your test, then you’ll have the less-than-joyful experience of taking it again.
The only difference is that the next test will be much harder than the previous one (I’m speaking from personal experience on this one).
Don’t wait for your boss to destroy your career (and sanity), your significant other to hospitalize you, your children to constantly miss out on their desires, or for you to have triple bypass surgery in order for you to feel the Pain of Never Again.
Invisible Wings
Although I shared with you the first time that I experienced the Pain of Never Again, please don’t think that it was the only time. Allow me to share a few of the many instances where I have encountered this life-altering pain in my life:
- I had a former boss punch me because I failed to follow her directions exactly as she wanted.
- I had my water and electricity shut off in my apartment for a week and had to wash myself in the sink at work when no one was looking, because I couldn’t afford to pay my bills.
- I had a friend (I’m using that term loosely) angrily call me the N-word because a girl that he had a crush on ending up having a crush on me.
- I had a boss call me “Steve” because he didn’t like the West African name that my parents gave me.
- And as you may already know from my books, I attempted suicide due to the hopelessness and despair that I felt as a workplace bullying target for nearly two years.
I would be lying to you if I said that the pain of these events did not emotionally break me, because they did. And as broken as I was at the time, I somehow managed the strength to weakly mutter two words:
“Never again.”
From that pain came a new strength. From my weakness came a new resolve. Most importantly, from the broken heap that was my life, I sprouted wings that I never knew I had.
And I flew.
You can too.
Day One of Your New Life
“One day or Day One. You decide.” – Paulo Coelho
This Thanksgiving as I quietly reflect on the numerous blessings that I am fortunate enough to enjoy in my life, I will also say a sincere “thank you” for the pain that has helped me to soar higher than I ever thought possible.
If you are reading this and you know in your heart that there is a situation in your life where you should say “Never Again,” please give yourself the best holiday gift possible by saying those two life-changing words today.
Or better yet, say it now.
Most of all, mean it when you say it too.
Commit to making today the first day of your new life by refusing to be anyone’s doormat for a moment longer, honoring and respecting yourself always, and most importantly, by feeling the pain of your unacceptable situation and sincerely doing everything in your power to never experience that pain again.
You deserve the best life possible, and the Pain of Never Again is the world’s most powerful reminder to help you to remember that fact.
That’s why for this incredibly powerful and life-altering pain, you should be very thankful.
Even if it hurts ❤